6 months post-surgery

 

Today marks SIX months since I had my breast cancer surgery.

I'm doing mostly good, but the bra situation is still a challenge.

My incisions are still tight and painful, so next week I'm going to start some PT, which I hope will help. 

Everyone (on the breast cancer boards says you have to give it a year, so I guess I will)

Otherwise all is fairly well- yesterday was our 42nd Anniversary, sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes like a lifetime ago. 

Frank has been having some dental misery, so it's been my turn to take care of him. I hope things settle down soon, but this getting older business really stinks.

That's all for now - call me if you want to chat!

Hoping for Nothing Blue Skies Ahead!

 

Last week on one of my walks the skies were so blue and the trees were so green! Everything seemed ultra-saturated and there is no filter on that photo!

I am slowly starting to pull out of the storm of treatment. My wrist is feeling a little better, and all the scabs from my fall have fallen off. My jaw is no longer sore, and my mouth in general feels 100x better after the root canal, which obviously was the right thing to do in retrospect.

My scars still feel tight and itchy, but they don't bother me much in the daytime. Sometimes it can be hard to settle at night, but, better living through chemistry helps...

Next week Frank and I are going to Seattle for a work meeting / early BD celebration (for Frank) 

I got really brave this morning and tried on my swimsuits which didn't look nearly as bad as I feared. One doesn't work anymore with my smaller chest, but the other 3 looked OK, and covered high enough around my arms that the scars don't show. 

I started taking the hormone blocker (anastrozole) last week, and so far I feel OK, with no obvious side effects. I'm also back to taking my vitamins and supplements, which helps with my energy (I think).

SO just steady state and continued healing for now. I am 4 months out of surgery (and 1 month out of radiation) and just now starting to get to a point where it's not on my mind every waking minute. I so hope all this treatment has eradicated every cancer cell, and I NEVER have to deal with this again. 

Be well all, thanks for reading and commenting- I appreciate everyone's support. 

A Rocky week

 Here's a photo of my "Grandcat" who was my little furry co-worker last week 

SO it's been a rough week for me. 

Apparently, your radiation burns can get worse AFTER you have finished treatment, and mine did. It's like having the worst sunburn ever. Last week was really uncomfortable, and this week It's finally feeling - while I hesitate to call it "better" at least not as painful. 

OK- so then Frank and I go for a walk, and I tripped and fell on a ridiculously uneven sidewalk. Scrapes on both knees, both hands, and one elbow (really bad on the elbow). Bruises and bleeding on/in my nose. Thankfully no broken teeth. Pretty sure I sprained both thumbs, which are also now bruised, and I think I bruised/cracked a rib. 

Not to mention how mad I am at myself for having this happen. (Although I should only be mad at the sidewalk that was 2 1/2 inches away from level.)

Adding to the fun, today I need to have the root canal I was worrying about just prior to my surgery. In a way, I'm ready for that because I want my mouth to stop hurting, and I'm just really thankful I didn't have to do it the week before or the week after my surgery. 

So that's my rant for now- 

I REALLY really need a week or two where I can feel better....

Rang the Bell!

Woo hoo! On Friday June 7, I had the last of my 18 radiation treatments, and I rang the bell!

I am so delighted to put this phase of treatment behind me, and to move on to my (hopefully) cancer-free life!

I know I will need 5 years (!) of hormone-blocking drugs, but I get a few weeks to recover before I have to start those. When I see the oncologist (july 2) I will get that Rx and also will find out what my surveillance plan is. IDK when my next scan, mammo, MRI will be, and right now I am so sore I can't even imagine doing a mammogram. It might be MRI for me LOL 

For today, I am celebrating, and we're going out to a Wisc supper club, followed by Kopps for the best ice cream/frozen custard around!

It's been a rough 4 1/2 months, but G-D willing it only gets better from here on out! 💓😉
 

The going gets rougher

 

Every day at 3:45 this is where you will find me. I'm going to try and get a pic of me and the machine sometime. I have 7 more treatments to go. (60% done)

My breast is a bit swollen and feels really sun burned, although it doesn't look red. The underarm and back that gets hit really hurts, partly because I need someone else to do the lotioning back there- I can't reach to do it even with a long-stick applicator.

My eyes have started to get really red, dry, itchy, and hurt esp in bright light. My radiation oncologist says this is not from radiation, but they got really acutely bad last Friday. I'm going to an eye doctor later today. Hopefully they can prescribe something more effective than the OTC eyedrops which I'm using 5-6 x a day right now. 

I'm also a bit of a couch potato in the late afternoon/evenings, but I guess I'm entitled, my body is working so hard to cope with all of this. 

I'm thinking about cancelling my Monday appt next week so I can have another 3 day weekend to recover before my final week. Depending on whether or not I cancel, my last day will either be Thurs June 6 or Friday June 7. 

I'm starting to think about what (if anything) I should do to celebrate. I definitely want to bring some nice treats to the radiation techs who have been taking care of me. 

I don't know if I'll "ring the bell" or not. I don't feel like I'm done because I have to go on more drugs for 5 years. I also read an very interesting study about stress in those who ring the bell vs don't. It said that ringing the bell creates a "mental snapshot" and that folks who did this perceived their treatment as more stressful than folks who skipped it. 

Here's a link to the article: Ringing the bell

In other news, we did have a nice visit with Ross' daughter Eloise this last weekend. We had tea at the Drake one day, and she joined us for a Memorial Day parade and cookout. Here's a pic from tea. So trying to focus on the good stuff and not on the hard stuff. 

Thanks for reading, commenting, emailing and calling!

Hump day- 38% completed

 Baltimore oriole in my backyard!

Looking back I guess Wednesday is my day to post things - after the crush of Monday work and before weekend stuff...who knows?

Anyhow I have had 7 radiation treatments of the 18 total I will have. 

I'd have to say I'm not terrible, but I'm also not great. I still think I feel my molecules vibrating during the treatments, and I definitely have a burning sensation afterwards. I always bring the Miaderm cream with me and put lots on just after the radiation as I'm getting dressed. Yesterday when I got home, I had to have Frank help me re-do the areas I can't reach, and it really helped because the back of my arm and upper back were so uncomfortable. 

The treatments also take a lot of "emotional energy" for me. It's really hard to lie on this hard table, in an uncomfortable position, and stay completely still while this giant linear accelerator rotates around me, and gives me the equivalent of too many high-energy x-rays to count. 

I just feel really "emotionally tamped down" in a way that's very foreign to me. 

I'm also having some weird aches and pains in other areas and digestive issues that don't seem like they should be related, because they are nowhere near the radiated area, but who knows? I mean I don't think we are intended to naturally get this kind of abuse. 

In one of my previous jobs we worked with very low-level radioactive isotopes and we had to wear badges that would detect our exposure, and use all kinds of shielding. If your badge was too high then you had to stop doing those tasks for a while. (Mine was always fine). but still...

Today our granddaughter Eloise who is getting close to 5 is coming to town for a week-long visit. Laura and Ross are so excited and have decorated a beautiful room in their new apartment in a unicorn theme. We were also so thankful to have Ross' folk in town last week to help them get set up as I am not quite up to major unpacking snuff. 

That's all for now- I love hearing from folks so feel free to call me, email or text -

Thanks for everyone's support and love.

ZAP me baby!

 My radiation treatments started on Monday. As I write this I am 2 down-16 to go. 

I have a little countdown calendar on my office wall to help me keep track. 

They say you are not supposed to feel anything during the treatment, but I swear I do. It's not painful but it feels to me kind of tickly-like my electrons/molecules are being jiggled about. At night it feels like the radiated breast is warmer to the touch than the other one. No glowing in the dark yet (LOL). It does, however make me a bit nervous as to how I'll feel down the road. 

They say most people don't have any noticeable effects until you are like 1 week in. Most also get some degree of fatigue. However I'm a really energetic person, so I'm hoping that will continue to hold true. 

I'm really trying to focus on one day and one treatment at a time. It's too daunting to think big picture right now. The treatments don't take very long, it takes longer for them to get my body exactly in place than for this giant machine to circle around me. I think it's called a linear accelerator and it looks like this:

My scars are starting to look less raised and crazy bad, although I don't know if my nipples will ever look normal or have feeling again. Kind of sad about that, but I guess I should be happy they could save them. It is possible that long term they will improve, or not. No way to know except "tincture of time". 

I am loving the days we have that are warmer, and looking forward to wearing shorts and t-shirts instead of sweaters and pants. I'm also trying really hard to lose a few pounds, and hoping maybe the radiation will kill my appetite (not a known side effect 😉)

That's all for now- treatment #3 coming this afternoon.

TWO- that's right - two months out of surgery

 

I looked at the calendar this morning and realized it's been exactly 2 months since my breast cancer surgery. I'm starting to really get my energy level back, and Frank and I took a nice walk at one of my favorite Forest Preserves- Hastings Lake. It's a bit of a drive, but a good solid 2 mile loop. 

It's kind of ironic that I'm feeling better, and now next Mon 5/13, I start my radiation treatments. Hopefully I'll be one of the people that aren't too bothered by this. I received some Miaderm radiation cream that I ordered, which is supposed to be the best one. 

So I guess I'm as ready as I can be. 

Trying to focus on staying healthy, and maybe (HAHA) eating a bit less- would just love to lose some of the excess stress-eating pounds...

Would also love to do some PT/scar massage, but that will have to wait until June, when radiation is completed. Doing what I can on my own at home for now. 

Hugs to all!

May is radiation time!

 

It's been a while since I posted. Lots has been going on. 

So Radiation/Cancer update: 

 Yesterday I went to the hospital for my radiation planning appointment. They took a special CT scan of me to calculate and plan where and how much to zap me. They also gave me 3 very tiny tattoo dots, which only 1 hurt, so it wasn't too bad. After coming home, we indulged in some Gin & Tonic out on the patio. Did you know you can buy diet tonic water? 

Next week on May 9, I go for a "dry run" where they set everything up, and do exactly what will happen on my treatment days, but will not give me actual radiation.

Starting May 13, I will get radiation every day, M-F, until I have had 18 treatments. That means I should have my last treatment during the first week of June. Most people who have gone through this get a peeling "sunburn" in the radiation area, and some get fatigued. I have ordered a special radiation cream that is supposed to help keep my skin healthy. 

I'm still really numb in many places, much more on the "cancer" side. Probably a little nerve got cut or damaged while they were digging around for lymph nodes etc. The Dr says it can take 6 months to a year for that to go away. My pain level is better - I've bought new bras that are more comfortable, but I kind of hurt when I'm wearing them, and also hurt when I'm not LOL. If I'm asleep- I'm not hurting. 

Other news!- Wagner Wedding! We went to the Atlanta area to celebrate the wedding of my cousin Andy Wagner's daughter Amanda (Mandy). This event is why I pushed back my radiation to May- I really want to go to the happy events, and being around my family is such a great support. 

In this photo, Frank and I are at the Amicolala Falls which are at the southern terminus of the Appalachian Trail- so gorgeous!

In this photo (LtoR) is my cousin Andy (Father of the bride) Mandy, Andy's sister Corry, Corry's son Shane, and Andy's younger daughter Madeleine. 

Here is a photo of the Bride and Groom- they were married on the Bride's aunt's estate on Lake Lanier- so gorgeous. 

SO that's it for now- I really appreciate your notes, call, and comments. 

Radiation plans

 

Here's a picture of my Fairy Garden...

So today I met with the radiation oncologist. 

With the type of surgery I did, I knew up front that I would have to have radiation treatment.

I will need 18 radiation treatments, every day (M-F) for 3 1/2 weeks. 

Before I start the actual radiation, I have to have an extra long planning session where they do CT and figure out where they are going to zap you. I also will have to get 3 small tattoos (the size of a "freckle"). Frank was very sweet bc he said if they bother me I could get them lasered away later. There is the option to use a sharpie, but it's not as accurate. 

Apparently, the radiation will make my breast red and peeling, like a sunburn. (And that's the best-case scenario). 

I knew this was coming but I feel really overwhelmed. I am pretty much crying every day, tho work is a good distraction, and it's only really bad at night. 

Physically I am also finally feeling better, however, I feel like as soon as I start to feel like myself, that's when the radiation will start, and I'll feel bad again.  

It's really hard for me to think ahead, and think down the road. I know I will have to go on hormone-blocking drugs after the radiation. I am also dreading those. 

It's so challenging bc obviously there is a spectrum of responses to everything. Some people say the radiation was no big deal and they didn't have many side effects. Other people have terrible side effects, even years down the road. I, of course, can't know how I will react until I'm in the thick of it.

I have one last getaway coming up this weekend, we are going to an Atlanta suburb for the wedding of my cousin's daughter. I'm really looking forward to the happy occasion. We did have to cancel the trip we had planned in May with our foodie group bc it's likely the radiation will start right around May 1, and continue through most of May. 

The next possible work trip is July 20-21, and I'm hoping I'll be energetic enough to go (I don't know where yet).

I don't know what else to say- give me a call if you want to chat live

Thanks for reading

Weekend getaway- (5 weeks post-op)

 

We went to Long Branch NJ this past weekend for my cousin Lisa's Memorial/celebration of life service. Lisa passed away earlier this year after a 3-year battle with lung cancer. She was 59 and so kind and optimistic. She will be missed by all of us who loved her. 

My brother and several cousins were able to attend (pic of all the cousins together -4 more not able to attend)

Here's a pic with Lisa's Mom and Dad, My father's sister Judy, and my Uncle Stanley. 

Traveling was tiring, esp because the flight out was delayed by 3 hours and the flight back was delayed by 1 hour. (Broken plane, closed airspace due to VIP)

It was so nice to be right on the beach, and walking on the beach and listening to the waves was very calming. Physically I felt decent this weekend. IDK if it's because I was distracted, or hopefully because I'm just getting better. Today is exactly 5 weeks from my surgery, and I am actually glad that radiation won't start until the end of the month or early May. It blows my mind to think about doing something else that will cause my poor chest to hurt more. I have a pretty easy week this week- no doctor appts until next Tues-glad for a break. 

4 weeks post-op

 An OLD photo (2016?) of me and my cousins Lisa (center) and her twin sister, Sharon (rt). 

This weekend I am hoping to fly to NJ to be present at Lisa's memorial service/celebration of life. She died recently from lung cancer after a long and brave fight. It will be nice to see my extended family and especially my brother, but it is a sobering reminder of what cancer can take from us. 

Today makes exactly 4 weeks since my surgery, and later today I have a bone density scan scheduled. This is to make sure the drugs I have to take won't make my bones too thin. 

I will likely start radiation in late April/early May, and I'm not sure how long that goes. After radiation, I will have to take estrogen-blocking drugs called aromatase inhibitors for at least 5 years. 

I am still in significant discomfort every day, and I am always looking at these stupid boobs- are they red? are they hot? are they swollen? I feel like all I do is worry and cry, cry and worry. I never thought I would feel this miserable for this long. I am very down, and just working hard to get through each day one at a time. I can't even begin to imagine a time when I will feel sexy again, if ever. I'm also stressed a bit about what to wear this weekend - I've sadly gained a few pounds in the middle which makes me feel even less attractive. There are moments when I forget it all, and almost feel like my old self, but I am just devastated by all that's happened to me. 

Things not to say to me: Don't ever tell me I'm lucky they caught it or I'm lucky not to have chemo!

Lucky would be if I never had cancer and if my body was not carved up because of this!

Thanks everyone for all your support and positive vibes. 

NO CHEMO !!!

I had a decent weekend. On Sat, we got together with some foodie friends and went to Poochies for lunch, followed by a wine stock-up at Schaefers- and then toured the Jewish Deli exhibit at the Holocaust museum in Skokie, followed by dinner at The Bagel. Laura was able to meet us for dinner, and after we drove her home, and I got some good kitty petting in with Queenie. Some grandcat pet therapy!

Sunday I managed a short walk, and then Frank and I went grocery shopping, but...

I DROVE !  Yea me- first time since my surgery.

I'm still tight and hurting, but hurting a bit less, doing lots of stretching and I am hopeful we can travel to the memorial service for my cousin Lisa on Sat in New Jersey. Of course, not allowed to lift or push suitcases, but that's what husbands and checked luggage are for.

The doctor just called with my oncotype results 

I DO NOT need chemo!!!

The score means that even if I were to suffer through chemo, it wouldn’t help my recurrence rate. So this is a really emotional thing off my shoulders.

While I may have tough days and tough evenings, I can definitely tell that I am better this week than I was last week, and continue to hope I will feel better next week than I do this week. 

Thank you to everyone for your support and positive vibes. 

Time Flies!

 

Hard to believe it was just a year ago that I went to the St. Patrick's Day parade in New Orleans! (and caught Covid , but that's another story). I recovered quickly and easily, and I wish I could say the same for breast cancer surgery.

I started back to work yesterday part-time, and it's actually very good to have something to distract me. 

I'm not in a ton of pain per se, but the scars that are all around my body are SO TIGHT. I'm trying to do some exercises for stretching and some gentle scar massage, but it honestly feels like someone wrapped a burning rope tightly around my whole body, and keeps pulling on it all day long. The gummys etc do help, but it's just SO uncomfortable 24-7. Sometimes I feel like I am never going to be comfortable in my body again. I also question my decision to have breast-conserving surgery and wonder if it might have been smarter to just get everything taken off. Tomorrow makes 3 weeks since surgery, I really thought I'd feel better than this by now.

I am also dreading what's coming, definitely radiation and aromatase inhibitors. Maybe chemo. (Still waiting on the oncotype results.) We re-watched Rogue One the other night and I feel like Jyn Erso on the beach. I can see the tidal wave of destruction coming, but I can't do anything to get out of the way. I just have to sit there and take it. 

The bra situation is also very challenging. I found one (out of the 6 so far I have ordered) that was tolerable. I really miss having a specialty lingerie store nearby- Betty Schwartz's Intimate Boutique- where are you now that I need you? Between Covid and Amazon, these are far and few between. I have more bras on order and maybe an appt on Thurs in a far suburb...

My spirits are very low, I'm having a lot of trouble feeling strong, or feeling optimistic. I cry just about every day (at least once-LOL). This whole experience is so demoralizing. Thank you to all for your support and prayers. 

Shabbat Shalom

 

Here's a lovely challah from early January, before all the madness. 

I saw the plastic surgeon's PA on Thursday and she released me from the terrible post-surgery bra/torture device! I can wear light compression sports bras and after ordering maybe 6 from Amazon, I have one that fits and doesn't cause pain. 

I have 3 others coming tomorrow so maybe one will be good for changing off.

The pain has been getting a bit better and the incisions and seams are all healing. The plastic surgeon PA was very happy with how everything looks, and not at all worried a bit about the things that were concerning me. I just have to give it time I think.

I am planning to start back to work on Monday, but only work 20 hrs /week (over 4 days) for the next 2 weeks. I think I am ready, because sometimes I am looking for things to do. I will also be able to work from home, (as usual) and I doubt my boss will insist I come into the office on the usual every other Tues schedule. He's been very cool and supportive. 

Right now I'm in a waiting loop until next week when the oncotype results are received. A low score means you don't benefit from chemo so why suffer? A high score means you would benefit from chemo. I don't know what to wish for. On the one hand, I really don't want to do chemo, on the other hand, I really want to do everything I can not to ever have to deal with this breast cancer again!

WIshing everyone a peaceful and pain-free Shabbat. 

Chemo thoughts

Well, yesterday I went and met the medical oncologist for the first time. Kind of interesting how there are so many different doctors, and each in charge of some little facet of your treatment.

The day started out pretty good, I actually didn’t need any pain medication of any kind until about lunchtime. So that felt really good. Not that I felt great I just didn’t feel terrible.

So the doctor said that I would, for sure be in for radiation, I think he mentioned 18 treatments. But apparently they send the tumor to another company. For something called an ONCOTYPE. And this Oncotype will tell them whether or not I am someone who would benefit from chemotherapy.

He said it’s not like maybe maybe not it’s like 80% of people with my kind of tumor do not benefit, and 20% do, and if you’re in the 20%… Chemo

I have such mixed feelings about  this. On the one hand, if there are microscopic cells that have circulated away from the tumor, I want to do everything to be sure I don’t become one of the 10%. (Who go on to Stage 4/metastatic disease)  on the other hand I REALLY don’t want to do chemo and lose my hair. 

It’s completely out of my control and I won’t have the Oncotype results until next week sometime. So hurry up and wait. 

Also debating whether to return to work next week, maybe part time- I’ll see how I feel tomorrow or Friday 

Today is 2 weeks since surgery - here are some pretty flowers!

Thanks all for your positive support and prayers 

10 days!

 It is hard to believe that only 10 days ago. I had my surgery. This morning for the first time I woke up and was not in unbearable pain.

The pain, aspect of all of this has been the hardest for me, plus the body image issues are like Mount Everest. I never really thought of myself as a vain person. I mean, I knew I was no supermodel, and curvier than most, but at this age, I’ve come to grips with that, and my bodies done some amazing things like birth three children, so I accept the stretch marks and the change in shape. 

This is so different. When I look down at my body, I just look like Frankenstein. All seams and stitches. Frank has been so great and so sweet and supportive, but I just can’t get over how grotesque I look.

It’s also been really disappointing. How unconcerned the doctors have been about my pain levels. They tell me to take Tylenol, Advil, and Norco at bedtime. None of it helps. After two important people in my life independently suggested I try it, I got some edibles, legal in this state, thankfully, and gave it a bit of a try yesterday. It was like night and day. For the first time in days, I had some pain relief. I don’t know why the medical community is still so resistant to this idea, and does not suggest it.

I also managed to do a six block walk yesterday, so very slowly, starting to push myself a little more.

Shower Time!

 So this morning I got super brave, and took a shower!!! 

The water running over my chest was warm and very soothing. I had to have Frank help me with Aquaphor and gauze after the shower, and he was a trooper.

This is especially stressful for me as I have a really traumatic memory of helping my mom with her dressings after her mastectomy in 1979. 

My mom was really a great example of surviving breast cancer. She had a very large tumor and over 10 positive lymph nodes. After a radical mastectomy and 2 YEARS! of chemo, her breast cancer was completely cured. 

I spoke with my breast cancer surgeon late yesterday also, and she explained a little bit more about the pathology to me. She said my stage would be Stage 1a which is the best stage possible! So that was some good news as well.

Feeling a tiny bit better today, I’m so thankful for everyone who has been supportive to me. 

 

One week down!

 Today makes one week since my surgery. 

I went to. The plastic surgeons office, and they removed all the tape off my breasts. Boy did that hurt! The PA was pretty happy with how everything looked. There is one area under my right breast that’s been hurting really bad, and she said there was a small skin tear there. After taking off the tape, they put Aquaphor ointment and dry gauze on the tender areas.

They want me to continue wearing the compression bra, except when I’m showering for at least one more week. Oh joy.

My pain is still not very well controlled at all. She wants me to try alternating Tylenol and ibuprofen on a schedule. I’ll give it a try, but it’s 530, and I’ve been doing that since noon, and no relief at all. Says I should use the Norco for breakthrough pain, but it’s all breakthrough and I really don’t want to get all the G.I. problems that come from Norco.

So I’m just trying to focus on the fact that today I feel better than I did two or three days ago, and in two or three days from now, I should feel better than today

Had another crappy sleep night - slept 12-2 and then 4-6. 

As always thankful for good results and path

Hoping for better sleep tonight.

6 days post op

I managed to go outside and walk a couple blocks today. It helped that it was such a beautiful day. 

Had another decent night, but still lots of pain and really uncomfortable

Tomorrow, I am scheduled to go back to the surgeon for a follow up. I think they will probably take all the tape off of me, and hopefully that will help with the pain. I am fairly anxious about how much that will hurt. And even though I know this won’t happen, and I know it’s unreasonable, I’m kind of afraid when they take the tote tape off that all my incisions will fall open

Trying to focus that I am actually in less pain today than I was two or three days ago, and that two or three days from now I should be in less pain than today.

There’s no option other than to keep hanging in there, and try to be brave. Appreciate all the encouraging comments, calls, and texts. 

Sleep!

 Wow!

For the first time since my surgery, I actually slept over seven hours. Every other night it’s been three hours , for hours, maybe even five. But having to sleep on my back has really been a challenge.

Also, yesterday, Ross, Laura, and Eloise came over for pizza, and Jaspen stopped by for a short visit before work. Alan got home just after Laura and crew left. That meant I got to see all my kids on the same day, even if not at the same time.

I’m also doing a tiny bit better with the pain, I tried using a muscle relaxer, tinzanadine, and that actually seems to help.

Maybe I’ll get  brave enough to takeoff the surgical compression bra for a few minutes and take a shower, but I’m not really sure if I’m that brave yet.

Day 4 post op Update

 I had a bit of a rough day yesterday. The morning started out good, and I managed to go for a very short walk outside in the sun. That afternoon, I kind of crashed and burned and spent most of the rest of the day in bed watching old movies. 

It doesn’t really seem to matter what drugs I take. I still hurt. A lot. I have to remind myself it hasn’t even been a week yet, but my whole chest is nothing but pain.

I managed to get five hours of sleep overnight, which is about all I can handle since surgery. It’s very hard to sleep sitting up. Also, my usual sleeping position is on my side, so sleeping on my back is much less comfortable. (despite the 5000 pillows.)

I just need to hang in there, one day I won’t feel so painful. Supposedly I could shower, but I’m afraid if I take everything off I’ll come apart. Stupid, I know. I can’t wait for more time to pass so I have less pain. 

I can’t figure out how to post pictures from my phone or I would add some photos of some of the beautiful flowers I’ve received. People have been so kind, and I really appreciate it.

Some good news!

 I just received a late afternoon call from the surgeon.

NEGATIVE NODES! 

CLEAN MARGINS! 

HOORAY! 

Likely no chemo, but probably still radiation- seeing the oncologist on the 19th.

A thankful moment ❤️

Rough day -post op day 2

 Last night and today have been rough.

I’m still having lots of pain, and although I am not puking, medicine is upsetting my stomach. So it’s kind of a vicious cycle.

I’m also struggling a lot with body image, and feeling like my body has betrayed me. And then part of me feels like it’s just stupid vanity, because I really need to be thankful to mostly have the cancer out of my body.

Somehow, that doesn’t stop me from crying,… A lot.

People have been really supportive and I really appreciate all the prayers and good wishes.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow, maybe less pain, and hopefully less tears. 

Post op Day 1

It’s postop day one, hopefully my first day of being cancer free.

It was a really rough day yesterday, lots of pain lots of puking. No fun for sure.

Glad I was able to make it home last night. Was able to get two stretches of sleep of three hours each.

Frank and Laura have been beyond amazing, and Jaspen and Alan have also been so supportive.

Still in a lot of pain, and very uncomfortable, so I’m just taking it easy. 

My computer, which is a work computer got deactivated because I am on leave. So just doing the best I can with my phone.

Home again

 Just a very short post to let everyone know that I survived, and I am at home.

Will write more maybe tomorrow.

Here's a hospital pic of me trying to eat Jello after anesthesia....

Good day - calm before the storm.

 So today I had a really good day. 

1. I got my surgery time for Weds and I am the first case. This means less time for panic attacks, and less time to be hungry, and all the doctors and nurses will be fresh. 

2. I got the preliminary results of my genetic testing (13 genes connected to breast cancers) and they were all negative! YAY!

3. I had a lovely anti-stress massage - so needed

4. Bought a bunch of post-surgery clothes that button up the front etc.

5. Bought a few groceries

6. Took a relaxing bubble bath and soaked for a while. 

Tomorrow starts all the badness. a) placement of a radioactive bead in my breast,  b) injection of dye to stain lymph nodes into my breast.

I feel like I am standing on the beach, and looking out to the bay I can see a giant tidal wave heading right to me, but I'm not able to avoid it. 

Send me all the good prayers for clean margins and negative nodes!

Thanks to all who are reading. 

Wonderful Saturday!

 SO we ended up having a great day yesterday. 

We went up to Milwaukee, and met up with our friend Ginnie who was pet-sitting in Madison for her kids. 

We had a relaxing lunch at Mader's (German restaurant), and then hit up the Cheese market across the street as well as Usingers sausage outlet. 

Next we drove over to Sprecher's brewery where we sipped and tasted various beers and soda, and our last stop was Kopp's for some wonderful frozen custard. 

Lots of goodies to bring home, and best of all it felt like a really NORMAL day, doing the kind of fun things we like to do. 

Have to save up the good days to help me get through what's ahead. 

Some cooking today as well- made a big pan of bread pudding, and planning some matzo ball soup for later this afternoon.

Tomorrow the plan is for a massage and shopping for some shirts that are button up or zip up. 

Trying to take it one day at a time. 

Feeling sad

 I love my beautiful breasts 

I have lived with these breasts for over 50 years. 

While I know I 100% want all the cancer gone from my body, I am really going to miss the breasts I have lived with for so long. The doctors say I will be so happy with how I look, but that’s really hard to hear because I would be so happy if I didn’t have cancer.

The way ahead is so unsure and so scary.

My stupid tooth

 UGH 
What to do?

I have a tooth that has a crown and is running cold-sensitive and a little pressure-sensitive.

My dentist thinks I should have a root canal (through the crown) before surgery. She thinks the nerve may be dying.

I saw a specialist endodontist yesterday- he painted the root with a desensitizer and gave me an Rx for extra strong sensitive teeth toothpaste. He said sometimes you can have a little gum receding on the crown and have sensitivity. He also said my x-rays absolutely did NOT show any infection. 

If I need it done, he could do it Monday, but I honestly would rather wait till maybe 2-3 weeks after surgery. 

I'm afraid if I talk to my surgeon about it they will cancel my surgery or push me back another week, and I just want to get the damn cancer OUT of my body ASAP.

So I feel like I'm going to cross my fingers and if it gets crazy bad in the week after surgery I'll just deal with it. Really hoping the special toothpaste will calm it down. 

In other news, all my blood tests and pre-op tests came back and looked good (to me says the medical technologist/laboratory scientist). 

Might make some chicken soup today and hoping to go to Temple tonight.

Update: on tooth- followed the very kind dentists advice and my tooth has calmed down !

So overwhelmed

 I'm going to take a minute to bitch!

It so challenging to get everything I need to get done so I can take leave starting next week for all this torture.

So first this morning I fasted so I could get my blood drawn for my pre-op tests. I went to the NorthShore office at 7:00 where I usually get it done in Deerfield, and there's a sign on the door "Laboratory closed today" -So I am fasting, no coffee, and have a really bad headache starting. I drive over to HP Hospital- they have a lab, right? But their Ootpatient lab is appointment only and the first available is 10:45-WTF ? I have never heard of appointment only blood draw- no one told me this- So I drive to Vernon Hills NS office, they are ALSO appointment only, (by this time a raging headache) thankfully they can give me an 8:15 time (by this time it's 7:45). So I sit and wait and it finally gets done. The silver lining is the lab tech did a really good job, got the vein on the first try and no bruise (yay!)

So on to work, trying to wrap up all the needed tasks and go on short term leave. To go on leave, they send me like 6 forms that are crazy long and I have to go to another site and start an account and they're going to turn off my email while I'm gone... I honestly don't know if it's worth it since I don't think I'll be out that long - maybe 2 weeks. Anyway I'm just not going to deal with this today. 

Thankfully I have no appointments or meetings tomorrow or Friday so I can just take it a bit easy. Debating scheduling a massage for Monday, the day before all the madness starts. 

May even roast a turkey this weekend/next week so we have lots of leftovers. I definitely want to make some chicken soup with matzo balls, and even though i'd like to go to services Friday night, I don't think I want to expose myself to that many people, even masked. 

I honestly can't wait for this to be over, but I am really terrified of the surgery. 

MRI results

 The breast MRI results were about as good as I could hope for. The breast cancer surgeon was very happy with them. I'm glad we decided to get them just to have some confirmation.

1. There is no cancer seen in the good breast
2. There are no obvious lymph nodes seen 
3. The only thing seen is the already-identified tumor

The only small negative is the tumor is a bit larger on MRI than on Mammogram/US. My doctor said this is very common, because the MRI gives a clearer picture. 

Instead of 0.9 cm, the tumor appears to be 2.1 cm. This is still pretty small (less than an inch).

So we move forward- surgery on March 6

Still to do: 

1. blood draw (probably tomorrow AM)
2. placement of a radioactive bead (day before surgery)
3. dye injection in bad breast (day or two before surgery)

Oh and I have a tooth that might need a root canal!

Fun times

Waiting is the worst

 No news on the health front,  I am hoping for the results of the breast MRI tomorrow. I also had my blood drawn for genetic testing, and we're hoping for those results to get back before surgery. (Thanks to the phlebotomist I have an ugly bruise)

I had a decent day yesterday doing something I like - cooking!

I baked the coconut bread recipe from Smitten Kitchen (think banana bread but coconut.) It turned out great, and I added some sanding sugar to the top for crunch. If I did it again, I think I'd also add some golden raisins for tart-ness. 

For dinner, I made a pot roast with North African spices, and despite the substitution of cardamom for coriander it turned out really nice- very comforting and I blitzed up some of the veg to make the sauce thicker. Served it with tiny potatoes, and we really liked it- There's enough for another dinner - maybe tomorrow.

Other plans today include a manicure, and maybe a walk somewhere pretty. 

Also toying with the idea of a deli lunch. 

I need to do more cooking and freezing over the next week so there will be something decent to eat when I'm healing. 

Planning for Surgery -2/22/24

So today I had an MRI of my breasts- one of the weirdest things ever.

I also had an appointment with the plastic surgeon.

My surgery has been scheduled for March 6, 2024.

They are planning on doing a "larger" lumpectomy on the bad breast. This type of cancer tends to grow in lines and tendrils like a spider, not in a hard lump. The plastic surgeon will then do a reduction on the good breast and make it match the bad breast as much as possible.

After 4-8 weeks of healing, I will need to have a month-long course of radiation. (and like 5 years of estrogen blocking pills)

If all my lymph nodes are negative, and my margins are clear, that will be it.

If the lymph nodes are positive, I may need chemo, but I'm praying for negative nodes.

This is so much to take in - trying to take it all one day at a time, but the whole thing really sucks and I'm so sad.

Diagnosis - Cancer :(

On Feb 16, 2024, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

 

My Mom was 47 in 1979 when she got breast cancer. I am 65, and when I made it to 50, 55, I really thought/hoped I had dodged that bullet, but I guess it wasn't in my stars. 

I have a small pea-sized tumor in my right breast. It is invasive lobular carcinoma, grade 1. ER pos, PR pos, HER2 neg. I am glad it isn't triple-negative because that has a worse prognosis. Depending on the stage (which I won't know until after surgery) the survival rate is usually 90% or better.

I'm just really discouraged about everything I will have to go through to get there. Dreading surgery, and praying praying for negative lymph nodes. 

It's also hard news to think about sharing as some of my relatives and friends have recently lost loved ones to cancer. 

Please keep me in your prayers.