Time Flies!

 

Hard to believe it was just a year ago that I went to the St. Patrick's Day parade in New Orleans! (and caught Covid , but that's another story). I recovered quickly and easily, and I wish I could say the same for breast cancer surgery.

I started back to work yesterday part-time, and it's actually very good to have something to distract me. 

I'm not in a ton of pain per se, but the scars that are all around my body are SO TIGHT. I'm trying to do some exercises for stretching and some gentle scar massage, but it honestly feels like someone wrapped a burning rope tightly around my whole body, and keeps pulling on it all day long. The gummys etc do help, but it's just SO uncomfortable 24-7. Sometimes I feel like I am never going to be comfortable in my body again. I also question my decision to have breast-conserving surgery and wonder if it might have been smarter to just get everything taken off. Tomorrow makes 3 weeks since surgery, I really thought I'd feel better than this by now.

I am also dreading what's coming, definitely radiation and aromatase inhibitors. Maybe chemo. (Still waiting on the oncotype results.) We re-watched Rogue One the other night and I feel like Jyn Erso on the beach. I can see the tidal wave of destruction coming, but I can't do anything to get out of the way. I just have to sit there and take it. 

The bra situation is also very challenging. I found one (out of the 6 so far I have ordered) that was tolerable. I really miss having a specialty lingerie store nearby- Betty Schwartz's Intimate Boutique- where are you now that I need you? Between Covid and Amazon, these are far and few between. I have more bras on order and maybe an appt on Thurs in a far suburb...

My spirits are very low, I'm having a lot of trouble feeling strong, or feeling optimistic. I cry just about every day (at least once-LOL). This whole experience is so demoralizing. Thank you to all for your support and prayers. 

Shabbat Shalom

 

Here's a lovely challah from early January, before all the madness. 

I saw the plastic surgeon's PA on Thursday and she released me from the terrible post-surgery bra/torture device! I can wear light compression sports bras and after ordering maybe 6 from Amazon, I have one that fits and doesn't cause pain. 

I have 3 others coming tomorrow so maybe one will be good for changing off.

The pain has been getting a bit better and the incisions and seams are all healing. The plastic surgeon PA was very happy with how everything looks, and not at all worried a bit about the things that were concerning me. I just have to give it time I think.

I am planning to start back to work on Monday, but only work 20 hrs /week (over 4 days) for the next 2 weeks. I think I am ready, because sometimes I am looking for things to do. I will also be able to work from home, (as usual) and I doubt my boss will insist I come into the office on the usual every other Tues schedule. He's been very cool and supportive. 

Right now I'm in a waiting loop until next week when the oncotype results are received. A low score means you don't benefit from chemo so why suffer? A high score means you would benefit from chemo. I don't know what to wish for. On the one hand, I really don't want to do chemo, on the other hand, I really want to do everything I can not to ever have to deal with this breast cancer again!

WIshing everyone a peaceful and pain-free Shabbat. 

Chemo thoughts

Well, yesterday I went and met the medical oncologist for the first time. Kind of interesting how there are so many different doctors, and each in charge of some little facet of your treatment.

The day started out pretty good, I actually didn’t need any pain medication of any kind until about lunchtime. So that felt really good. Not that I felt great I just didn’t feel terrible.

So the doctor said that I would, for sure be in for radiation, I think he mentioned 18 treatments. But apparently they send the tumor to another company. For something called an ONCOTYPE. And this Oncotype will tell them whether or not I am someone who would benefit from chemotherapy.

He said it’s not like maybe maybe not it’s like 80% of people with my kind of tumor do not benefit, and 20% do, and if you’re in the 20%… Chemo

I have such mixed feelings about  this. On the one hand, if there are microscopic cells that have circulated away from the tumor, I want to do everything to be sure I don’t become one of the 10%. (Who go on to Stage 4/metastatic disease)  on the other hand I REALLY don’t want to do chemo and lose my hair. 

It’s completely out of my control and I won’t have the Oncotype results until next week sometime. So hurry up and wait. 

Also debating whether to return to work next week, maybe part time- I’ll see how I feel tomorrow or Friday 

Today is 2 weeks since surgery - here are some pretty flowers!

Thanks all for your positive support and prayers 

10 days!

 It is hard to believe that only 10 days ago. I had my surgery. This morning for the first time I woke up and was not in unbearable pain.

The pain, aspect of all of this has been the hardest for me, plus the body image issues are like Mount Everest. I never really thought of myself as a vain person. I mean, I knew I was no supermodel, and curvier than most, but at this age, I’ve come to grips with that, and my bodies done some amazing things like birth three children, so I accept the stretch marks and the change in shape. 

This is so different. When I look down at my body, I just look like Frankenstein. All seams and stitches. Frank has been so great and so sweet and supportive, but I just can’t get over how grotesque I look.

It’s also been really disappointing. How unconcerned the doctors have been about my pain levels. They tell me to take Tylenol, Advil, and Norco at bedtime. None of it helps. After two important people in my life independently suggested I try it, I got some edibles, legal in this state, thankfully, and gave it a bit of a try yesterday. It was like night and day. For the first time in days, I had some pain relief. I don’t know why the medical community is still so resistant to this idea, and does not suggest it.

I also managed to do a six block walk yesterday, so very slowly, starting to push myself a little more.

Shower Time!

 So this morning I got super brave, and took a shower!!! 

The water running over my chest was warm and very soothing. I had to have Frank help me with Aquaphor and gauze after the shower, and he was a trooper.

This is especially stressful for me as I have a really traumatic memory of helping my mom with her dressings after her mastectomy in 1979. 

My mom was really a great example of surviving breast cancer. She had a very large tumor and over 10 positive lymph nodes. After a radical mastectomy and 2 YEARS! of chemo, her breast cancer was completely cured. 

I spoke with my breast cancer surgeon late yesterday also, and she explained a little bit more about the pathology to me. She said my stage would be Stage 1a which is the best stage possible! So that was some good news as well.

Feeling a tiny bit better today, I’m so thankful for everyone who has been supportive to me. 

 

One week down!

 Today makes one week since my surgery. 

I went to. The plastic surgeons office, and they removed all the tape off my breasts. Boy did that hurt! The PA was pretty happy with how everything looked. There is one area under my right breast that’s been hurting really bad, and she said there was a small skin tear there. After taking off the tape, they put Aquaphor ointment and dry gauze on the tender areas.

They want me to continue wearing the compression bra, except when I’m showering for at least one more week. Oh joy.

My pain is still not very well controlled at all. She wants me to try alternating Tylenol and ibuprofen on a schedule. I’ll give it a try, but it’s 530, and I’ve been doing that since noon, and no relief at all. Says I should use the Norco for breakthrough pain, but it’s all breakthrough and I really don’t want to get all the G.I. problems that come from Norco.

So I’m just trying to focus on the fact that today I feel better than I did two or three days ago, and in two or three days from now, I should feel better than today

Had another crappy sleep night - slept 12-2 and then 4-6. 

As always thankful for good results and path

Hoping for better sleep tonight.

6 days post op

I managed to go outside and walk a couple blocks today. It helped that it was such a beautiful day. 

Had another decent night, but still lots of pain and really uncomfortable

Tomorrow, I am scheduled to go back to the surgeon for a follow up. I think they will probably take all the tape off of me, and hopefully that will help with the pain. I am fairly anxious about how much that will hurt. And even though I know this won’t happen, and I know it’s unreasonable, I’m kind of afraid when they take the tote tape off that all my incisions will fall open

Trying to focus that I am actually in less pain today than I was two or three days ago, and that two or three days from now I should be in less pain than today.

There’s no option other than to keep hanging in there, and try to be brave. Appreciate all the encouraging comments, calls, and texts. 

Sleep!

 Wow!

For the first time since my surgery, I actually slept over seven hours. Every other night it’s been three hours , for hours, maybe even five. But having to sleep on my back has really been a challenge.

Also, yesterday, Ross, Laura, and Eloise came over for pizza, and Jaspen stopped by for a short visit before work. Alan got home just after Laura and crew left. That meant I got to see all my kids on the same day, even if not at the same time.

I’m also doing a tiny bit better with the pain, I tried using a muscle relaxer, tinzanadine, and that actually seems to help.

Maybe I’ll get  brave enough to takeoff the surgical compression bra for a few minutes and take a shower, but I’m not really sure if I’m that brave yet.

Day 4 post op Update

 I had a bit of a rough day yesterday. The morning started out good, and I managed to go for a very short walk outside in the sun. That afternoon, I kind of crashed and burned and spent most of the rest of the day in bed watching old movies. 

It doesn’t really seem to matter what drugs I take. I still hurt. A lot. I have to remind myself it hasn’t even been a week yet, but my whole chest is nothing but pain.

I managed to get five hours of sleep overnight, which is about all I can handle since surgery. It’s very hard to sleep sitting up. Also, my usual sleeping position is on my side, so sleeping on my back is much less comfortable. (despite the 5000 pillows.)

I just need to hang in there, one day I won’t feel so painful. Supposedly I could shower, but I’m afraid if I take everything off I’ll come apart. Stupid, I know. I can’t wait for more time to pass so I have less pain. 

I can’t figure out how to post pictures from my phone or I would add some photos of some of the beautiful flowers I’ve received. People have been so kind, and I really appreciate it.

Some good news!

 I just received a late afternoon call from the surgeon.

NEGATIVE NODES! 

CLEAN MARGINS! 

HOORAY! 

Likely no chemo, but probably still radiation- seeing the oncologist on the 19th.

A thankful moment ❤️

Rough day -post op day 2

 Last night and today have been rough.

I’m still having lots of pain, and although I am not puking, medicine is upsetting my stomach. So it’s kind of a vicious cycle.

I’m also struggling a lot with body image, and feeling like my body has betrayed me. And then part of me feels like it’s just stupid vanity, because I really need to be thankful to mostly have the cancer out of my body.

Somehow, that doesn’t stop me from crying,… A lot.

People have been really supportive and I really appreciate all the prayers and good wishes.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow, maybe less pain, and hopefully less tears. 

Post op Day 1

It’s postop day one, hopefully my first day of being cancer free.

It was a really rough day yesterday, lots of pain lots of puking. No fun for sure.

Glad I was able to make it home last night. Was able to get two stretches of sleep of three hours each.

Frank and Laura have been beyond amazing, and Jaspen and Alan have also been so supportive.

Still in a lot of pain, and very uncomfortable, so I’m just taking it easy. 

My computer, which is a work computer got deactivated because I am on leave. So just doing the best I can with my phone.

Home again

 Just a very short post to let everyone know that I survived, and I am at home.

Will write more maybe tomorrow.

Here's a hospital pic of me trying to eat Jello after anesthesia....

Good day - calm before the storm.

 So today I had a really good day. 

1. I got my surgery time for Weds and I am the first case. This means less time for panic attacks, and less time to be hungry, and all the doctors and nurses will be fresh. 

2. I got the preliminary results of my genetic testing (13 genes connected to breast cancers) and they were all negative! YAY!

3. I had a lovely anti-stress massage - so needed

4. Bought a bunch of post-surgery clothes that button up the front etc.

5. Bought a few groceries

6. Took a relaxing bubble bath and soaked for a while. 

Tomorrow starts all the badness. a) placement of a radioactive bead in my breast,  b) injection of dye to stain lymph nodes into my breast.

I feel like I am standing on the beach, and looking out to the bay I can see a giant tidal wave heading right to me, but I'm not able to avoid it. 

Send me all the good prayers for clean margins and negative nodes!

Thanks to all who are reading. 

Wonderful Saturday!

 SO we ended up having a great day yesterday. 

We went up to Milwaukee, and met up with our friend Ginnie who was pet-sitting in Madison for her kids. 

We had a relaxing lunch at Mader's (German restaurant), and then hit up the Cheese market across the street as well as Usingers sausage outlet. 

Next we drove over to Sprecher's brewery where we sipped and tasted various beers and soda, and our last stop was Kopp's for some wonderful frozen custard. 

Lots of goodies to bring home, and best of all it felt like a really NORMAL day, doing the kind of fun things we like to do. 

Have to save up the good days to help me get through what's ahead. 

Some cooking today as well- made a big pan of bread pudding, and planning some matzo ball soup for later this afternoon.

Tomorrow the plan is for a massage and shopping for some shirts that are button up or zip up. 

Trying to take it one day at a time. 

Feeling sad

 I love my beautiful breasts 

I have lived with these breasts for over 50 years. 

While I know I 100% want all the cancer gone from my body, I am really going to miss the breasts I have lived with for so long. The doctors say I will be so happy with how I look, but that’s really hard to hear because I would be so happy if I didn’t have cancer.

The way ahead is so unsure and so scary.

My stupid tooth

 UGH 
What to do?

I have a tooth that has a crown and is running cold-sensitive and a little pressure-sensitive.

My dentist thinks I should have a root canal (through the crown) before surgery. She thinks the nerve may be dying.

I saw a specialist endodontist yesterday- he painted the root with a desensitizer and gave me an Rx for extra strong sensitive teeth toothpaste. He said sometimes you can have a little gum receding on the crown and have sensitivity. He also said my x-rays absolutely did NOT show any infection. 

If I need it done, he could do it Monday, but I honestly would rather wait till maybe 2-3 weeks after surgery. 

I'm afraid if I talk to my surgeon about it they will cancel my surgery or push me back another week, and I just want to get the damn cancer OUT of my body ASAP.

So I feel like I'm going to cross my fingers and if it gets crazy bad in the week after surgery I'll just deal with it. Really hoping the special toothpaste will calm it down. 

In other news, all my blood tests and pre-op tests came back and looked good (to me says the medical technologist/laboratory scientist). 

Might make some chicken soup today and hoping to go to Temple tonight.

Update: on tooth- followed the very kind dentists advice and my tooth has calmed down !