This weekend I am hoping to fly to NJ to be present at Lisa's memorial service/celebration of life. She died recently from lung cancer after a long and brave fight. It will be nice to see my extended family and especially my brother, but it is a sobering reminder of what cancer can take from us.
Today makes exactly 4 weeks since my surgery, and later today I have a bone density scan scheduled. This is to make sure the drugs I have to take won't make my bones too thin.
I will likely start radiation in late April/early May, and I'm not sure how long that goes. After radiation, I will have to take estrogen-blocking drugs called aromatase inhibitors for at least 5 years.
I am still in significant discomfort every day, and I am always looking at these stupid boobs- are they red? are they hot? are they swollen? I feel like all I do is worry and cry, cry and worry. I never thought I would feel this miserable for this long. I am very down, and just working hard to get through each day one at a time. I can't even begin to imagine a time when I will feel sexy again, if ever. I'm also stressed a bit about what to wear this weekend - I've sadly gained a few pounds in the middle which makes me feel even less attractive. There are moments when I forget it all, and almost feel like my old self, but I am just devastated by all that's happened to me.
Things not to say to me: Don't ever tell me I'm lucky they caught it or I'm lucky not to have chemo!
Lucky would be if I never had cancer and if my body was not carved up because of this!
Thanks everyone for all your support and positive vibes.
Remember one of the things I told you: if you can throw money at the problem and make it go away, do it! So, go shopping for a new outfit. Take Frank. He'll give you his honest
ReplyDeleteopinion. This is an outfit in which you can feel attractive, not necessarily sexy (since it's a Memorial service, not the Disco - sexy is a different shopping trip). But don't worry about what you did or do look like. Just find something you like now. And if some months from now the outfit is too big or too small, alter it or donate it! Problem solved.
I forgot to ask if you finally found a comfortable bra. I hope so. But unless you still have medical requirements, you also can find something just for your new outfit. You don't necessarily have to make the new outfit fit with whatever you've got already.
ReplyDeleteYour still beautiful to me
ReplyDeleteWhen I work with grief clients, I always rejoice when I hear them finally say something like what you said up there (you almost feel like your old self). I'm telling you, those times will gradually appear more and more, slowly but surely, I promise! It's not fair and it's not easy, but I promise that wonderful Elaine you remember is still in there, and she is working her way back to the surface again. xoxo!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you my beautiful cousin!
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